Sometimes I wish I were an ostrich.
That way I could just shove my head deep in the earth and not give a crap about anyone or anything. It sucks though that I wouldn't be able to fly. Alas, that's likely to never happen, so I have to just deal with being human.
It sucks major feeling shitty; Mostly about myself, my current predicament, life in general. The sort of things you think about when your by yourself. It's funny how your vision of the world can change when you don't really have someone to share it with. I observe people all the time. Not in any creeper/stalker sort of way, though sometimes I really wonder what are my true intentions. So maybe watching is a more appropriate term. I think I do it as a way of keeping myself busy and to not sink into a black abyss of my own mind and self loathing. As I watch, I notice the way two people look into each other's eyes, wonder what's on their mind, how a woman shops at the mall, how a man converses with friends, and how innocent children are. It kind of pains me to see them, so oblivious to the world around them and the terrors that await them once the come of age. Makes me sick. However, I gain greater insight into the inner workings of others. The habits and traits they showcase which make them real people. I feel like a boy before an ant farm, just looking at the little insects crawl around busying themselves with their daily routines.
But it's not as great as it seems. I also feel trapped behind a glass wall. Disconnected from the rest of them. Unable to make my way through, like some mime who's screwed himself into a box and can't find the door. I have family, friends, acquaintances, and such. Yet, I've never really been close with someone. Someone that I can be happy with, be open with, hold in my arms and never let go. The closest I've ever come to that is my mom, which I'll admit, I am a mommas boy. Don't hate.
I try not to get too down on myself. We, and I mean those of you out there who are reading this and can sympathize, the loners, always feel incomplete. Having every material possession and all the money in the world isn't able to fill that void that lies within. Whenever I feel had, depressed, or isolated I get this forceful, pulsing pain in my chest. For a second it vanishes. Then it's back with a vengeance. And it's not an "Oh crap I'm dying!" pain. It's almost like a yearning, like my heart's crying.
Yet through all the mess and sadness I subject myself to, sometimes on a daily basis, I always manage to make it through the day. Somehow, someway I find the strength to believe that tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I won't be so sad. Perhaps, I'll finally shatter that glass wall, dry the tears on the inside and make my way out into the world with a new sense of purpose.
So my friends, whoever you are reading this right now, if you feel like crap and down in the dumps ready to do something rash and unforgiving, take a step back. Slowly take a deep breath and think, "Hey, it's not so bad. I'm living and I've always got tomorrow to make things better." Just give yourself hope. That's all you can ask for.
And as Hallmark cheery as this may sound, as least it's something right?
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