P.S.

Oh yeah, and I got my Rocket Poppeteers certificate in the mail. I'm part of the Super Speedflier Fleet.

Ka-pow kids!!

The Things My Family Does (that bug me)

So freaking cold right now. And I have no gloves to warm up my hands with. These are the times when I should buy a little heater for my room. One I can set up right next to my desk and keep me toasty. Alas, here I sit frozen. The rumors are that we have a high chance of snow either tomorrow or Thursday. I can't remember which. Which for those of you who don't know is like a one in a zillion chance of ever happening in this city. The only times I can remember it snowing in Tucson was a long time ago on Easter and then a couple of years ago when there was actually a snow day. That was incredible. It was like that Nickelodeon movie, sort of.

Since Rachel bought Call of Duty: Black Ops I've given it several tries, all of which have been less than successful. I don't know if it's that I'm not used to first person shooters or I just plain suck at the game, but it pisses me off. I try to run and then shoot people, I can't keep steady aim, I think I'm blind so I can't even spot anyone faraway to shoot at. It's frustrating. I'm at level 3, whatever that means and can't get a kill to save my life. I won't give up. But it is trying my patience. I had more success with Donkey Kong Country Returns. Even though the level with the bats nearly forced me to throwing my Wiimote at the wall. I get flustered easily. I've practiced controlling that anger and so far it's getting better. Still. I have my moments.

Christmas was nice. I mean, as I've gotten older I really haven't asked for anything. This year especially. I guess I feel bad because my parents splurge and then I feel guilty. Hopefully someday I'll get a job and bring in the moolah and pay them back. But anyways the big family get-together won't happen until New Year's Day at my uncle's house.

Really quick I'm going to be a bitch about something. Secretly, I think my uncle's family copies us. No joke. This has happened on several different occasions. First, when we first got a Wii back in like 2007, which was a heck of a journey to find especially because they had just come out, not too long after they decided to get one. Not convinced? Last year when our microwave decided to kick the bucket we went out and got a new one. Then at Christmas last year, they had the EXACT SAME ONE. Same model and everything. One last bit. Couple of months ago my sister and I bought an Xbox 360 because I was getting bored with the Wii's lack of mature video games. And I wanted to broaden my gamer horizon. Our Xbox is the newer model with built-in Wifi and all that crap. So this week, my cousin texts Rachel that we should bring over our Kinect to play on New Year's. I'm thinking, "Well they have the older Xbox so I don't think that we can play it on theirs'" Browing stupid ol' Facebook, my aunt's profile has some Christmas pictures. I decide to browse. What do I soon lay eyes on? A picture of my cousin. Opening. A. Damn. New. Xbox. 360. Just. Like. Ours.

What the hell is that?

Not that I'm trying to brag but their the type of family who have to have all the latest gadgets and shove them in your face. So I guess it's a natural thing.

Not.

Question of the Day #2

Are the Who's part cat? Are the Who's part rat?

With all the Christmas food, how is it they are not fat?

I'm serious about this question, I will not delay

What the hell are those creatures anyway?

Please be neat, and dispose of your shit.

After a long day of driving around doing nothing with Rachel and mom, besides buying dog beds and one Christmas present and going to volleyball practice while I snooze in the car, we needed gas and stopped by am/pm. Needing to wash my manos, I stepped inside to do so. To my dismay there was no soap. Bitch. I would like to take a moment to address certain bathroom etiquette that should be practiced by every person on this planet:

- Dispensaries: You do not know how many times I have gone into a restroom and had no paper towels, no toilet paper or no soap. I would probably blame employees for this because they should be up in there filling that up every hour or so when they need to check it. I hate not being able to clean my hands or actually use the porcelain throne because there is a lack of materials. God, I've never complained but it's getting to that point where it should just be common knowledge.

- Toilet Usage: This is another one that everyone should know and do. Is it really THAT hard to flush the damn toilet? "Oh let's go in this stall, la la la, UGH! Ew, nasty, leaving, now." Folks, this is just the laziness of people. You can do that at your own home, but in public it doesn't fly. Whether it be Number 1 or Number 2 (or worse) please attempt to flush. I have come upon some hot messes and let me tell you they are atomic. Plus, this causes the whole bathroom to reek and the situation goes from bad to disgusting. Then there are the rare instances when we have a flow of chocolate nuggets making their way down the river. The kids never made it to the pool. The pool freaking flooded over. Sorry this is grossing me out just writing it.

- Washing: Wash your damn hands! It's so gross that I watch people do there thing and mosey on out without cleaning up. I guess if you want piss all over your hands and face then I hope you get sick.

Those are the big three. I know there are many more, but I don't want to ramble. It's late, I'm exhausted, I have to wait until next year to finish my animation project. Oh, joy.

My desk is falling apart. I stuck a piece of tape on the edge for a sec and when it comes time to peel it off, the finish rips off. Damn cheap Office Max desks. But it's partially my fault because I chose the thing. Still nice, but it's cheap.

Sorry, weird post. The end of the year is coming and boy has it been a wacky one. Will I make a New Year's resolution? Maybe, though like many I fail them almost instantaneously. But I'll think about it.

Until next time, over and out.

mrsexyclaus@northpole.net

Good day today. Could have been better, could have been worse. So it was just good. Me and the ol' famila decided to take a little trip to the ol' mall. Even if it was at 5:3o in the evening. Originally, it was to be at around 2:00. But stuff came up and if took us three hours to finally leave.

Usually we don't do much as a family anymore. It seems that life, volleyball, or some other factor is slowly pushing us all apart. There hardly seems a day when we are all doing nothing and can go out as a whole. It's sad really. And probably what is happening with most families nowadays. Dinners at the table are something of the past. Texting or calling another person while in the SAME HOUSE is atrocious. Not getting to see someone because they work so many days of the week from dawn until dusk. What's happened to our society? Does anyone even care anymore? Is anyone even reading this?!

These are the times when I think people, or as I like to be weird and call them "humans" (like "Wow, look at all the humans" or "Wonder what those humans are thinking about". Me = Strange) as failing to live properly, in a manner of speaking. No longer are people even families anymore. Simply, related individuals who happen to reside in a single residence for an extended period of time. Technology has brainwashed us into distant figures that's only goal in life is to be beautiful, fake and the proud owner of the newest gadget. I've somewhat fallen into that pitfall, but half the time I don't ever use my phone. I never get texts anyways. But my iPod and computer have enslaved me. I've tried to pry myself away, but sometimes it's just too much. Damn you luminescent overlords! We're gonna be ruled by robots, man. I've recently found a great fondness for Jeff Bridges' laid-back, out-of-date hippie personality. He has become my new hero.

It's interesting to note, that you can't even splurge on a nice pair of pants at the mall without blowing a hole in your wallet. Really, $70 for jeans? Even if they are half off and in the clearance section that's berserk. Thanks Guess, you suck. But I don't care about those stores. Maybe someday when I have thousands of dollars (ha) I can get all the expensive clothes I want. Not cause I want brand names, just because they look nice. One can only shop at Wal-mart for so long. Later we ate at the California Pizza Kitchen, which was very good. I enjoyed a Garlic Chicken Pizza so my breath is wretched. It was at the price of a good pizza so I'd say it was a smart move. Overall, a lovely night. Hopefully one of many more to come.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

I may not have a firm belief in you anymore, but hear me out this year because things are getting really screwy. You're like the second grandpa I never had. I know you're busy and I don't want to seem greedy, so hear me out. I've been going though a lot of changes recently: trying to find myself, change my whole outlook on life, college, etc.

And if you happen to get this little letter of mine, since I'm sure you're hip now and have an email address, I only ask for a few things this Christmas:

1) That nice tweed coat I saw at Sears today. I'm tired of sweat-jackets and that one looked really sharp.

2) World peace.

3) Someone to talk to. I talk to myself a lot. Not because I'm crazy or anything, even though insanity may be the only explanation. Just that even though I've got friends on the stupid Facebook and my family, I've never found anyone I can really relate to or purge to. That sounds bad. Anyways, this is probably the most important of the three. Even though number 2 is uber serious.

Take the time to think it over Santa and have a happy holiday. I know I'll attempt to.

Still here,

Damian

P.S. I promise to remember your milk and cookies, big guy.

Memory and Thought

Nose Dive

The other day, Sunday actually, while sissy was out at volleyball practice, I decided to go see a play. Now, I don't do this often, so it's really whenever I have a few hours to spare and some money to go do it. I end up going by myself anyways so I don't need to concern myself with others. I always am dumb so I end up never making a reservation, but end up getting a single seat somewhere in the audience. Oh man the audience you guys. I'm not hating on the grannies but my God they were everywhere! I'm sure the everyone in the theatre was over 60. Except for maybe 4 other people who were in their mid 20's or early 30's. I was the youngest person there. Very weird.

When I was waiting for my seat out in the lobby, there was this older couple sitting there awaiting seats themselves. The woman with short greyish hair, little heavy set, with glasses sat next to me on the couch. She then points to a container of Tootsie Pops on the lobby desk priced at 50 cents. Here's a vague description of our conversation.

LADY: Wow can you believe those are only 50 cents?

ME: I know, especially in this day and age.

LADY: Uh huh. You know when I was younger they used to sell these sweet buns with honey on them (I don't remember what they were. Some baked good.) and sold them for a nickel.

ME: Wow. It's crazy how expensive things have gotten.

LADY: Yes. I like telling my kids (grandkids?) about when I was younger and how things used to be. There used to be a milk man who would drive around in a truck with a freezer in the back, who would bring the glass containers up to your door. We also had the first television when they had first come out. We sat there and watched static for hours and occasionally see the outline of a person. And then one time we got a channel from Mexico!

ME: How interesting.

I was trying to be interested. I mean I didn't want to be rude, but I didn't have much to say. Still, it was sweet having that stereotypical "old lady" moment where they reminisce about the good old days. The play was wonderful. Funny, charming, and makes me remember what Christmas is all about. Jim Carrey's Grinch was on last night and it did the same. But then I think that tomorrow I'll probably go Christmas shopping for the white elephant thing or relatives and then it ends up being all about the gifts. Bother. Last year I got a charging dock but only because I didn't want the Hickory Farms box set. We already had two at home. It sucks. Christmas sucks. There's no jolly mood anymore. No surprise or festive cheer. Christmas Eve will stink because my parents are working and there won't be the routine family get together. Unless it gets postponed to New Years Eve/Day. *sigh*

It's a wonderful life, no?

Question of the Day #1

Can you cry if you have no eyes?

I Am Recluse

So stress week has begun. Pfft what am I saying, every week is stressful for me! Why? Because I stress myself for no logical reason. No wonder I have no life.

As you may have noticed, below/some days ago I posted The Hermit card. I actually have a tarot card set. Not cause I practice anything, but because I went through this this weird Dr. Facilier phase last year and had the urge to buy a deck. So on a trip to Borders I decided to pick one up. Haven't touched it sense. I'm sure the spirits are upset with me. For the record I'd just like to say I think Borders>Barnes & Noble. Seriously if you think about it you can't even search books at B&N. And they have crappy selection. Especially in movies and CD's. I don't care if it's a bookstore, if Borders has it then maybe they should have it too. Just saying. What was I saying?

Oh yes, hermit crabs.

I came to this conclusion along time ago; that I am in fact a hermit, 'cept for the beard, greasy hands, bugs in my teeth, branches in my hair or old worn down coats gracing my shoulders. Really I can't even grow a beard. What I mean to say is that I exhibit similar a similar lifestyle to a hermit. My room has become my sanctuary where I practically thrive most of the day. I don't go out with friends. Not because they don't invite me, which has never actually happened, but because I just never feel like it nor do I push myself to attempt leaving this house. It's always the same old crap. See here's the issue. As much as I want to be social, there is this part of me that resists. I contradict myself. I can't just go up and make friends or introduce myself, as much as I would like to. It sucks to be shy, yet unfortunately I am cursed with this trait.

Continues to remind me that being single bites.

Apparently I can't write anything from my iPod, so here's the title. Meh.

True, true

*eye twitch*

:

Good day, sir

There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going.
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing.
Is it raining?
Is it snowing?
Is a hurricane a blowing?

Not a speck of light is showing
so the danger must be growing.
Are the fires of hell a glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes! The danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing.
And they're certainly not showing
any signs that they are slowing!

And the List Goes On

Well look at this blog. You like it? I thought it needed a little sprucing up. The plain white on white look kind of sucked so it looks a little better now. You're probably wondering what the heck is up with that picture on the top, right? That's a piece I did last year in art class. I'm not sure what the assignment was, but this is what happens when my imagination runs wild. Weird shit happens. As you can see there are a variety of happenings happening there.

- Some button-eyed birds with fingered hands and worm feet soar through the skies.

- A "sun fish" flies leisurely along.

- There is a huge creature in the middle. It's actually comprised of many things; a human mouth, a turtle shell, the body of a whale, a dinosaur tail, rhino legs, a plant growing from it's head with an egg on the end from which a one-eyed yolk emerges. What.

- Little crab near the bottom. I almost said little crap.

- Funky polluted water.

- A goat man sitting and powering a generator. Why I drew clouds near the bottom I'm not sure. I think it was supposed to be an upside-down waterfall.

And then rocks and mountains and so on. This is one of my more abstract drawings. There are some more I'll post as time goes on. Along with other various doodles and thing a ma bobs. Pac Man and the Mrs. picture located below (see post below) was made in Paint. The program Paint not the real stuff. That one's really cool.

In other news, I still feel like garbage. This cold sucks major donkey genitalia and can't stop coughing to safe my life. I need to reserve my ticket for the midnight showing of TRON in a few weeks. Most likely I'll end up going by myself, since no one else in my household seems to be interested in what I like or am doing. I need to sleep, although I have no urge to do so. Christmas is getting closer and I have to buy a gift for a family exchange. What's lame is that the person I have to buy for has my Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows book that I thought my cousin was reading, but instead ended up with her (now) ex husband. That should constitute as his gift. I don't even really want it back. He can just keep it as a present from me so I don't have to waste money on a gift card or basket of shampoos or something stupid.

Christmas is such a stressing time.

Dinner For Two

Used Up Tissues

At last, I am feeling somewhat hopeful that I'll get my animation done in time for next Monday & Tuesday. I have been forcing myself to draw out every, freaking, movement for these cartoon squirrels, which honestly come across as mutated rabbits with long swirly tails. Don't give a care, need to get it finished. Never did I think animating would be this hard. It seemed simple, watching the Disney experts do it or attempting it as Disneyland in their little classes for the artistic impaired. Boy, was I wrong. However, it's getting there.

Just like hopes springing high, still I rise.

Being sick sucks worse than... well being sick and depressed. For some reason, the symptoms always go in the same exact order. First, I wake up with a sore throat. That is probably the most annoying and painful of the entire period of a cold. Talking hurts, swallowing is frustrating, you can hardly talk to anyone for fear of the burn. Then I have to down about 30 Ricolas to temporarily cease the torture. Another way to stop a sore throat for a while is to eat some toothpaste. Yeah I know, "WHAT?" Yeah I know you're not supposed to eat it. Let me tell you, it stings a bit but the mint flavor helps. And it numbs and soothes the pain. Even if it's last so long.

Next we move on to the clogged up nose. There was this one time I was sick, my nose was so stuffed up, I was laying in bed crying because I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to breathe. This one isn't so bad. Stuffed noses just require constant trips to the Kleenex box. Then the trash ends up filled to the brim with those dirty rags; so gross. My mom gets nose spray sometimes, which I snort to get a little relief. Yet you do it once, then in a few minutes you want another snort. Kind of like drugs, kind of like those Vicks mini inhalers. You can't get enough of them, especially if you have a cold.

Last, but certainly not least, is the cough. This one just become plain annoying. Every three seconds *cough**cough**cough**hack!* There's always the ones that are so bad they make you gag. It becomes super awkward when you're in a quiet room with a bunch of other people and you are the only one shattering the silence.

That reminds me of two occasions when I had fevers. The first I was sick at home, lying in my bed. It was nighttime and my mom was sitting on the edge of the bed comforting me, if that's what you could call it. I gaze up to my wall, in a dreamlike trance. Soon I see this imaginary vent near the ceiling that's oozing a gooey blue liquid. I pointed to it and said, "Water..." That was the first time I ever hallucinated. Unless it was all a dream. But I like to think of it as the former because it makes a cool story. The second was when my family and I were in San Diego for summer vacation and we had just eaten at the most popular and well known mexican in Old Town. Well as it was turning to dusk, we decided to go into the Whaley House that was right across the street. This house (from what I've read) has been there for years. Not like 10 or 20 but like decades. So we're talking YEARS. It's supposed to be the most haunted house in America, according to the tour guides and Travel Channel's Most Haunted Places in America. We pay and go in, are shown around the little court room, and living room, and kitchen, and bedrooms, and sitting rooms and so on. Sadly, no ghosts and honestly a little boring. So we get back to our hotel which isn't too far away. When we get there, all of the sudden I come down with a fever. I didn't know why. I hadn't been feeling sick or anything earlier. Although it was probably just those rare instances when one gets sick out of the blue, I believe that I was possessed by a ghost. Here I'll pause for your laughter.

Done? No? Then by all means continue on.

Now? Good. Yeah I'm just being dumb, but there was really no explanation for it. Although I never felt like there was someone else inside me. I guess it's just me trying to make everyday, normal, plain situations exciting and fun. Because heaven knows my life is about as exciting as a Twilight movie.

And that's a bunch of horseshit nonsense.

Life's Like A Piano...

1. I Can't Tell You Why - THE EAGLES

2. Black & Gold - SAM SPARRO

3. The Game of Love - SANTANA FEAT. MICHELLE BRANCH

4. High Life - DAFT PUNK

5. Right as Rain - ADELE

6. I'm Not Crazy - MATCHBOX 20

7. Missing You - JOHN WAITE

8. Another Day In Paradise - PHIL COLLINS

9. Quiet - LIGHTS

10. You Belong to the City - GLEN FREY

11. Where the Lost Ones Go - ESPEN LIND & SISSEL KYRKJEBø

12. I Love You More - GEORGE DUKE

13. I'm Getting Used to You - SELENA

14. Zephyr Song - RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS

15. The Wanderer - ROMANTHONY

16. Worry About You - IVY

17. Why Don't You Do Right? - JESSICA RABBIT

18. Breaking the Habit - LINKIN PARK

19. Get Together - MADONNA

20. Stranger In Moscow - MICHAEL JACKSON

21. I Never Even Told You - TIA CARRERE

22. There's No Place Like Home - MICHAEL GIACCHINO

Transmission

Sometimes, it would be nice to have an all night or midnight radio station. That way I could chat with the other loners, singles, night owls and weirdos that have nothing better to do during the wee hours of the morning. Would keep me doing something, besides sitting here and talk to myself.

Sore throat. Ouch.

What a Badass

Or it's the heels.

[This entry was typed live in front of the American Music Awards as it played on my DVR]

Watching the AMA's right now, I still can't really enjoy the artists. There's no one who "amazes" me. Maybe it's bad taste or me being a grouch but I'm not a fan of modern music. A few singers still have nice voices and catchy tunes. Not all of them though. It's all about the money and fame. What happened to music with soul and passion? What happened to the ART of singing? I think it's dead. Or at least hanging on by a ligament. That leads me to another point; autotune. If you don't sound good without the help of a computer then what the hell are you doing in the music business? Miley, Will.I.Am, I'm talking to you.

Rihanna starts us off with a medley and a light up tree. We're getting into a tribal dance here. I'm feeling the rhythm now!

Heck, there are only like three nominees per category.

Katy Perry and her boys choir are singing, um, "Firework" is it? She just came down on a metal sun thing. Very Glindaesque. Yeah, it's "Firework". Some backup dancers are spewing sparklers while they dance. Neat.

Okay so this weird girl in like a Cinco de Mayo themed dress and blonde/green hair, wait that's Nicki Minaj. Who? Anyways chick just interrupted the announcement by advertising her album that's supposed to come out tomorrow (yesterday). This is an award show no one wants to hear your stupid advert.

Oh no. Here comes Beiber. Well looks like puberty's starting for him. Little late though. He sings alright, but I still don't like him. Maybe it's because he has gained all this stardom and fame in such a short amount of time with little work. While some artists strive years to acheive that. I take what I said earlier back. His voice is weird singing this half gospel, half pop song. Stop trying to be like MJ Beibes, it will never happen. The teeneybopperrs continue to eat it up. Whatever.

Mandy Moore is really freaking tall. Or it's the heels. I can't tell.

Bon Jovi's rocking out. At least he still got it. Now some Old Navy kids are dancing "live". Interesting because the same dance was done in a commercial shown right afterwords. Weird, huh?

They're just about to say who the "Breakthrough Artist" winner is. It seems voting was done through text messages sent in during the show. Actually the entire AMA's were done through fan votes. Because that's how award shows do it now. Leave it to the public. Just one big popularity contest. The nominees are: Justin Beiber (Bleh.), Lady Antebellum (Yes please.), Travy McCoy (Who?), & Mike Posner (Again, who??). Arriving via text message, no fucking surprise, Beibes. I think I'm going to claw my eyes out now.

Pink is making up for that last ghastly reveal. She's so raw and so real I think that's what makes her a strong survivor of the late 90's/ early 2000's. One of the brave few. Ne-Yo's doing alright, Ms. Swift as well although she's putting me to sleep as she covers "Apologize", and Beibes won AGAIN. You remember how I mentioned MJ a while back? Well, you won't believe this. Beibes goes up to accept his award and he says, he says, "I want to thank Michael Jackson, because without Michael Jackson, none of us would be here." Wow. That statement doesn't even make much sense.

Christina Aguilera is showing off some skin to a song from her movie Burlesque, which I actually want to see. Partially because of Cher. Lady Antebellum won something so that makes me a little happy. Usher's background singers and 200 some dancers on the stage are proving to be a good ploy to distract from his wack singing. I used a hip word, yay. He sounds like he's out of breath and isn't even singing half the time. Avril Lavigne just used the word amazeballs and surprisingly I like it. Amazeballs amazeballs amazeballs.

Muse is English?

The lead singer of Train is wearing some funky sparkly pants. Don't know his name. A bunch of random young girls in black fingerless gloves and "Soul Sister" shirts came up and started dancing. I don't really understand why artists do that. Maybe that's just me.

Here we go, Ke$ha and her sing-talk robot voice. She is joined by an army of Bowie/Hedwig look alikes, as they dance is a shower of confetti. Satana and another guy are singing... something. Sorry I keep typing and forget to listen to what I'm watching. The way Santana plays a guitar makes me that much eager to learn how to play it. I think I'm going to take a class next semester. No, I AM going to take a class next semester. Back to the AMA's, this song is sending off an "Oh Ye Como Va" vibe.

Another thing that confuses me is why the network cuts to people in the audience that hardly anyone knows or can recognize in time before it cuts back. It's like, if you're gonna show them to me let me see who it is!

The main event of the night it seems is the combo performance of The Backstreet Boys (who I didn't know were still together, honestly) and New Kids on the Block. As I watch, I'm having flashbacks to younger days. To the days of my childhood listening to these groups on my CD player. Wow how long it's been. So far this is the best performance of the night and as moderatly good way to end it.

Oh yeah and Beibes won Artist of the Year. Screw you.



P.S. This became more of a rant then anything, so take it as you will.

What Have You Been Dealt?

Floating on a Sea of Acid

Today was a very unproductive and unsuccessful day. I managed to flunk my psychology exam, fuck up my algebra quiz, and drive across the entire town to get a book from the library. I think that's one for the record books. The animation project I am continuing to push off still looms over me like a gigantic fly, rubbing its greedy little hands together, just waiting to snatch me up and drop me off into some far away crater. God, I hate flies. Stupid little things buzzing around my head and flying into my face and the windows and only living for a few days and feasting on poop. What a life, huh? But I digress.

A couple nights ago I decided to fire up the ol' N64. My God, I hadn't touched that thing in years. Even setting it up seemed so foreign. It was like uncovering a long, lost relic with no clue how to use it. We still have a few games that hark back to the heyday to video games of the 90's. Ocarina of Time & Majora's Mask, Banjo Tooie, Tony Hawk Skateboarding, Star Wars Episode I: Racer, Mario Party and Pokemon Snap. However, I was intent on a different game.

Here I'll give you a few hints. Try to guess without looking at the answer. If you can get it right... well I can't really give you anything. But do it for the nostalgia. (The answer will be below written backwards):

1) The cartridge is yellow.

2) It has '64' in the title.

3) You play as five different characters in the game.

~~

~~~~

~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[46 gnoK yeknoD]

If you got it right then you win a bagillion cool points, along with the nostalgia feeling.

If not, oh well better luck next time.

Water and film is beginning to seep over my eyes. A sign that it's time to sleep. Although I'm sure I'll be up another 2-3 hours. Good night, as I leave you with food for thought.

Oh squiggly line in my eye fluid.

I see you there, lurking on the periphery of my vision.

But when I try to look at you, you scurry away.

Are you shy squiggly line?

Why only when I ignore you do you return to the center of my eye?

Oh squiggly line.

It's alright, you are forgiven.

Put a bookmark on my life. I'm going for coffee.

Guilt sucks. Stress sucks. Having no friends sucks. Not being in a relationship sucks. Being low on money sucks. Movies these days suck. Music these days sucks. Teenagers these days suck. People in general suck. College sucks. Homework sucks. YouTube sucks. This pulled muscle in my stomach sucks. My mom's hearing is about to go, that sucks. Thanksgiving is going to suck. The past sucks. The presents sucks. The future looks like it will suck. Life sucks.

End of line.

I Really Wish I Lived Near a Beach

Beloved

I stand here at the edge, one foot hovering in midair. I want to take that final plunge into the depths and be lost forever. Become swallowed whole by the unknown that lies beneath. Disappear. Vanish from existence. Become reborn.

But something holds me back. An invisible set of chains, keeping me from moving on. A link to the past. My strength is too weak, I'm unable to shatter those ties. I hang my head in shame. How could I have come so far, only to falter right at the very end? Tears stream down my face like waterfalls in a silent and empty forest. No one can hear me, teetering on the verge of my mind.

My knees give out. The last ounce of hope has left my fragile body.

But then, a sudden light appears.

It blinds me, I can barely make out the humanoid shape. It's so strange and yet familiar. The scent brings back memories of happier days.

It was you.

You help me up off the ground, reminding me of how much power there is left inside. Those eyes, dark shades of ocean blue, give me solace and warmth. I know now that I'm not alone. We grasp each other's hand. The weight of those chains vanishes in an instant. At last, I can finally begin anew.

Nerves, jitters rush through my body. What could be down there? Friends? Monsters? Darkness or Light? Closing my eyes, I was able to reassure myself of the unknown that called out to me. It was the future. One with you and me in it. One of sunny days, tender nights, soft embraces, and the passion that drove us together. I had no more worries.

Filling my lungs to the very brim, I looked at you. You looked at me. I had finally numbed the pain that clenched at my chest. And then we fell.

Down........

Down.......

Down........

The Night of the Meek (Jobless)

Well here we are. November. It was just summer and now we're headin' straight into Winter. Where the mornings are dark, the nights are awful, and I feel like hibernating. But I always like when it's getting close to Christmas. Something about the festive mood people are in cheers me up. Now that I'm getting older, I've got to start buying presents for everyone so that I am not looking forward to. Especially went I have moths flying out of my wallet.

I have come to the realization that I need to move out. Even though I'd probably be a baby and suffer from separation anxiety, I don't know how much more of my family I can stand. I love them and they love me. However, I feel so constricted here and unable to go out and do things. I wanted to go out the other night, but my dad tells me, "It's too late. It's past your curfew." What?! Seriously he says just because I'm 18 and I have a car doesn't mean I can just up and leave. Well I know that. But when you rack on me because I'm such a hermit and have practically no friends then your just contributing to the problem. There just looking out for me, yeah yeah. But give me a little slack. All I seem to do is go to school, come home, go to a volleyball game, eat and then comeback home, day in and day out. What a boring life.

That's why moving out would give me some freedom. Unfortunately, I face a few problems:

1) I don't have a job. This is probably the biggest thorn in my side. I have this fear that if I go out and get one, I'll screw up with scheduling and then I'll start flunking classes and fall behind. But I guess that's why I'd schedule work AROUND school hours.

2) I have little money in my pocket. I have some in the bank, but I spent $300 like in September on books and gas. Having a scholarship helps, since I get the extra money in my pocket. Like I said though, it pretty much goes all to books. Stupid bookstore.

& 3) I have sworn to myself and the others around me that I will never ever work at a fast food joint. Hell to the no. I can eat there, that's fine and dandy. But getting a job at like McDonald's or Taco Bell does not fly with me. Just the image bugs me. At a trip to Panda the other day I noticed that the cashier used to be one of the head cheerleaders at Cholla before graduating. She was also a mentor in the program I was a part of. It sucked, but that's a story for another time. Anyways, it was sort of depressing seeing her like that. Why? Not sure. Maybe just the thought that she was so popular in high school and now is reduced to an employee at a chain of Chinese food restaurants. That's not to say she doesn't have friends or doesn't attend some school. But if not, what a downer.

That goes for restaurants too. I don't want to be a waiter. Working at Borders, however, would be fun. I've always enjoyed shopping there and I like reading, when I can of course. But living way out in the boondocks hinders me from getting a job I'd probably really enjoy. Everything around here blows. And all the better jobs are on the North and East sides of town.

Where it stands, no I won't be moving out anytime soon. I wouldn't have anywhere to stay anyways. I'll just appreciate what time I have mooching a room off my parents. Cause them when I'm out on my own, God I'm sure I'll regret it.

Then again I don't want to be those kids who live in their parents basement for the rest of their lives. Good thing we don't have a basement.

Won't You Like To See Something Strange?

Driving home from a late screening of Paranormal Activity 2, we passed through downtown which was a madhouse. Adults in all shapes and sizes lined the streets dressed in the Halloween finest. I spotted a few Waldos, an aluminum-coated man with a giant metallic shlong, the Queen of Hearts herself, Pikachu, a couple of ninjas complete with conical hats, and a group of prostitutes. Or at least they looked like the part. I envied them though. Wish I could just up, put together a disguise and head out to a party with a bunch of strangers. Sadly, that is not the case as I am sitting here writing in this blog. Wow, that's lame.

So Paranormal Activity. I saw the first one and thought it was crap. Way overhyped and people jumped at a freaking door moving. I'll admit it did scare me at those parts, even this one. But that's exactly the problem with scary movies these days. They're all about cheap scares and gory, massacred bodies. Yet I still feel that people don't know fear anymore. Hollywood needs to get something that will fuck with people's minds and seriously mess them up. By the way, stop with the remakes. Movies were made with the intention of being the only one of it's kind. When they are remade, it slightly ruins the original which is a travesty. If I could send a letter to Hollywood in general it would be this:

"Dear Hollywood directors, writers, producers, actors and actresses, and the like,

We the people of the United States of America, and a many across the globe, feel that the tireless and awful movies you have been putting out recently lack the magic that Hollywood was once famous for. Our theaters are being overrun with lackluster comedies, bland horror films, dramas that fail to tell beautiful stories, and CG movies that are some of the worst ever seen in our time. It is a shame to see the once great entertainment capital of the world fail to produce wonderful projects.

It has come to our attention that all you mentioned above have no interest in giving us quality work. Your only concern is dazzling us with stunning graphics and untalented casts. Not to mention bringing in as much money as possible.

So it comes with a heavy heart that we say this. Get. It. Together.

We're exhausted of the remakes. We're tired of the repeated plot lines and characters. It's time to make change and go back to the way things were. Otherwise, we will stop buying tickets and let you suffer.

In summary, get your shit straight cause we're pissed.

Sincerely,

Movie-goers"

I may have been a little too nice but that's how it would go. Or something along those lines.

And last in honor of Halloween I have a picture for you all. I drew this I think it was two years ago in an art class. It's specifically for Dia De Los Muertos, but I thought because it's so close to the actual holiday it fit the mood.

Maybe I could go sell copies of this at the procession next Sunday down on 4th Avenue and make some money.

Side B

As I type this, I am gorging on a bag of various candies. Why? Because I want to that's why. And all one day before Halloween. There are way too many Tootsie Rolls, though. I prefer the small boxes of Dots and other fruit flavored sweets. While flipping through channels the other night, I passed by the History Channel which was talking about the origins of licorice. He was once (is still?) used for medical purposes I guess for illnesses. But that was only the black licorice. Puke. It's too bad that all candy really does now is give you cavities and make you fat. Who knows?Maybe they'll make a Milky Way that will cure cancer someday. Never know what they future holds. People back in the day used to think by 2005 we'd have flying cars and shit. I'm surprised we haven't but you know.

That's all I got.

Sleepless Nights (Hello, Programs)

TRON Night was amazing. They had a free 20 minute screening of some scenes from the movie and gave out some posters and stuff. I love me some freebies. Anyways, I could not be more excited for it. The visuals were stunning and so detailed, I had to keep reminding myself I was in a theater and not in the Grid. Some of the 3D effects flopped, but I was still loving it. Did I mention the CG and visuals were jaw-dropping. Not only that, but Daft Punk is doing the soundtrack for TRON Legacy? That's. Freaking. Epic.

Crap, I just remembered I have to write a classification essay by Monday. This destroys whatever hope I had of having a nice, relaxing weekend.

You know, college isn't all that it's cracked up to be. I guess nothing ever is, am I right ladies and gentlemen? We get this fantastical ideas circulating in our cranium that something will be magnificent and fun. Well, that just goes down the tube when it actually happens. That could be a good thing in some cases. It makes things more unpredictable and foreign. So yeah college. Whoop dee do. My personal belief was that college would go a-little something like this: I would go to the UofA (not Pima, where I am now), make a bunch of new friends that share similar interests, be dead set on a degree, get in a relationship, and not worry too much about everything. Friends and family always told me college was easier than high school.

That is a hot, load of monkey crap.

Sure the schedule is manageable to one's desires, but that doesn't make up for the excessive homework and collateral damage that my mental state is taking. I'm not sucking at any of my classes, I'm just not as interested as I thought I would be. Learning can be fun, if it involves a subject I can pay attention to. Otherwise, I seriously could care less about spending another 3 1/2 years behind a desk, giving myself consistent headaches. It'll benefit me in the long run of course. Still, I could be doing other things with my time like going to the gym or getting off my lazy butt and GETTING A JOB!

Running on four or less hours of sleep is a burden all on it's own. It just takes me forever to fall asleep. Maybe I have insomnia. I probably have insomnia. I think I do have insomnia. I'll just say it, I have insomnia. Such a condition may be a result of insufficient time management and severe issues with involvement in daily activities. Or could I be going... slightly mad?

Oh well, back to my cushioned cell. It's so soft in there, I love my oh so lovely cushioned cell. And my warm, cozy jacket. It keeps me safe. He he ha ha ho ho ho.

Sweet dreams all.

Those Times When You're As Depressed As Eeyore (Big Ass Chickens)

Sometimes I wish I were an ostrich.

That way I could just shove my head deep in the earth and not give a crap about anyone or anything. It sucks though that I wouldn't be able to fly. Alas, that's likely to never happen, so I have to just deal with being human.

It sucks major feeling shitty; Mostly about myself, my current predicament, life in general. The sort of things you think about when your by yourself. It's funny how your vision of the world can change when you don't really have someone to share it with. I observe people all the time. Not in any creeper/stalker sort of way, though sometimes I really wonder what are my true intentions. So maybe watching is a more appropriate term. I think I do it as a way of keeping myself busy and to not sink into a black abyss of my own mind and self loathing. As I watch, I notice the way two people look into each other's eyes, wonder what's on their mind, how a woman shops at the mall, how a man converses with friends, and how innocent children are. It kind of pains me to see them, so oblivious to the world around them and the terrors that await them once the come of age. Makes me sick. However, I gain greater insight into the inner workings of others. The habits and traits they showcase which make them real people. I feel like a boy before an ant farm, just looking at the little insects crawl around busying themselves with their daily routines.

But it's not as great as it seems. I also feel trapped behind a glass wall. Disconnected from the rest of them. Unable to make my way through, like some mime who's screwed himself into a box and can't find the door. I have family, friends, acquaintances, and such. Yet, I've never really been close with someone. Someone that I can be happy with, be open with, hold in my arms and never let go. The closest I've ever come to that is my mom, which I'll admit, I am a mommas boy. Don't hate.

I try not to get too down on myself. We, and I mean those of you out there who are reading this and can sympathize, the loners, always feel incomplete. Having every material possession and all the money in the world isn't able to fill that void that lies within. Whenever I feel had, depressed, or isolated I get this forceful, pulsing pain in my chest. For a second it vanishes. Then it's back with a vengeance. And it's not an "Oh crap I'm dying!" pain. It's almost like a yearning, like my heart's crying.

Yet through all the mess and sadness I subject myself to, sometimes on a daily basis, I always manage to make it through the day. Somehow, someway I find the strength to believe that tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I won't be so sad. Perhaps, I'll finally shatter that glass wall, dry the tears on the inside and make my way out into the world with a new sense of purpose.

So my friends, whoever you are reading this right now, if you feel like crap and down in the dumps ready to do something rash and unforgiving, take a step back. Slowly take a deep breath and think, "Hey, it's not so bad. I'm living and I've always got tomorrow to make things better." Just give yourself hope. That's all you can ask for.

And as Hallmark cheery as this may sound, as least it's something right?

Unless You're Asian, You Can't Make Good Chinese Food

That title's completely true by the way. At lest, I think so. I made some Minute Rice and frozen mini chicken egg rolls, hoping to have a nice substitute for my recent craving of Panda Express, but boy was I wrong. Granted practically fake food, I thought I would get something out of it. No. No I didn't. Not even the gallons of soy sauce I doused it with could not keep back the stale flavor. Memo to me: Never do that again.

And..................................................................Scene

The first time I was ever involved in a full-on show was my junior year in High School. Actually, scratch that. It was when I was 8, or around that age, my mom signed me and my sister up in a production of Peter Pan at Live Theatre Workshop. Guess who I got stuck playing? Starts with an S ends with a MEE, can't guess? SMEE. Of course at the time I was pissed I didn't get to play the lead. But I learned to cope. Some girl played Peter. Though it sucked because my sister played Wendy so she got a better role. I didn't care, I kicked that role's ass. I can't recall much of how rehearsals or the actual performance went, except for that I screwed up the fight scene. Me and Captain Hook were supposed to have a duel with swords (cheap, Styrofoam ones of course) and as I reached to draw my weapon, it got caught in my waistline. I tried not to panic, so I had to improvise with an invisible one. But I don't think it went too bad.

But the only other true show I've ever been in was You're A Good Man Charlie Brown. That was the one in High School. I played Schroeder. Once again I had hoped for Charlie but alas was disappointed. I didn't care, I kicked that role's ass too. But seriously, I think that role fit me better after all; I'm quiet, enjoy music, and am kind of a control freak. That may have been some of the best memories of High School, because there wasn't much else to hang on to. Man, I miss Drama classes with Moseley and the wild schenanagins But anyways, back to Peanuts. Opening night was scary as hell, I didn't know what to expect or how the audience would like it. It passed by in a such a blur, before I knew it it was time for bows. And that was the day I first experienced what it was like to be an actor. I had felt everything from the stomach churns beforehand to the heavenly feeling afterwords. To be on top of the world for a moment, unable to be brought down was a sensation that's unforgettable. Hopefully I can do that in the future, but I'm not making much effort to find acting gigs. I'd like to make it a career, if that's what it can be called exactly, but I don't really want to major or study it. I'd rather just go out there and make a living out of it. I wouldn't care if I had to live off of scraps or make a few bucks a week or be given crappy characters; to do what I love would be it. Although I mean making it to Hollywood and getting a gig on TV or a movie wouldn't be too bad, or getting paid nicely. One can dream right?

Or in the words of Frankenfurter: "Don't dream it, be it."

I did other stuff in High School like a night of one acts consisting of three short one act/scenes including The Man of Infinite Sadness (Crying Man) and Sure Thing (Bill). Those were both fun. I got to say "Stupid cow" to a girl as the Crying Man. It kinda made me feel good doing that, hearing the three people in the audience gasp. I was pretty good at playing as asshole. That whole show bombed though. Hardly anyone showed up, except my parents and a few straglers. So that sucked. Besides that I did a few performances at SAFF (Southern Arizona Acting Festival, for those of you who do not know) and my personal favorite The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, which we did in class. Heck, I even threw on a leather jacket as Danny Zuko when we performed "Summer Nights" in front of the entire school. My hair was too long then so when we tried to grease it back I had a stupid looking mullet. Still we got the loudest applause due to all our hard work, unlike the Student Council/Football players who actually HIRED a choreographer for their "Greased Lightning" number. Bastards.

So why do I mention all this long and drawn out history. you may ask? Well I'm just reflecting on the past. I look back on all the things I've done so far and think to myself, "What will I do now?" I sit here typing and wondering what I want to make of myself and how I want to live my life outside of my bland bedroom. Do I want to pursue acting? Or do I want to follow the path of animation, my other choice?

Who do I want to be?

Question? No Comment.

The Origin of Love (Feeling Sick)

My feet are literally frozen. That's how I can tell it's Fall, leading into Winter. When I actually have to sleep with pants and socks on all night. And yet this is my favorite time of the year. Another 365 day cycle is about to come to a close and a new one about to be born. I tell you I can't even tell what day it is anymore. Everything is speeding by in a blur and I can't catch up. Father Time's screaming back at me, "Eat my dust you whippersnapper!" as he passes by in his hot rod. Just the other day I was worried about graduating into the big bad world and now, I'm already feeling too old.

I'm telling you the last three days have been exactly the same. I've gotten up at 6:30/10 AM to go to my classes, come home, do homework, leave to go to my sister's volleyball matches (bore), go eat afterwords (puke), go to the store and then finally get home in time to spend the next few hours in front of my beloved iMac. All this on four to five hours of sleep. Insane. It hasn't been all bad though. I saw this guy at Walmart on Tuesday, we caught glances a couple times around the store. I tried not to look like a creeper, but sometimes I just act differently around others. It felt like a scene ripped straight out of a sappy movie and I felt on top of the world, high off of emotion. For a while I've been in slump, for a number of reasons, and this happened to be one of those moments that cheered me up. Hell, maybe I'm just giving myself false hope to keep myself from breaking down. Or to make myself feel special and loved, feelings I sense I've been lacking recently. Still it made me... happy.

Had one of those Hostess Cupcakes today, which I haven't had in ages. Felt like a pig eating it though. I get in the shower, look at myself in the mirror and think, "God when did all that happen? My relatives used to think my parents starved me and now look. Blah." I feel like crap because I never do crap. Everyday runs exactly like I said above, with the occasional trip to the movies. Not much else, which is a little pathetic. Actually a week or two ago I felt ignored and just up and left to go see Devil at the Harkins. Wasn't too bad for a Shaymalan flick, but could have been better. Alas, that was the first time I ever really acted out of instinct and ditched my house. I had been bad. I stayed out til' past midnight walking around the Spectrum, then drove around town, out to Speedway and back home, jamming out to 80's rock and enjoying time alone. Afterwords, I felt guilty for doing such thing. I'm nothing like that, but I think somewhere inside me is just this animal ready to break out! And that was the first sign of the bars being bent.

Well I'm starting to ramble. I do far too often for my own good. Off to bed with hopeful dreams and popsicle toes. Brrr.

Restart (Lonely Night)

So, even though I'm sure absolutely no one read my once existent blog posts, I've decided to restart this damn thing so I can finally have something to commit to every night. Give me some sense of purpose. Besides school and concerning myself over my family's obsession with volleyball, that is. Maybe it's weird (even crazy) talking to this computer screen like it's the best friend I've never had. Have I ever had any REAL friends? Hm.

Perhaps restarting this blog isn't the only thing I should do in my life. I think what I need is a makeover; of my body, sense of self, and what the hell, maybe even sense of style. I do have a tendency of wearing some of the same outfits week in and week out. But hey, I'm trying.

If one word could describe me right now, or since having graduated from High School, is confused. I've never really felt this way before. The years are flying by even faster than usual compared to those when I was just a kid practically living in two houses at once. I seem to being losing myself to my isolation and loneliness. That's one think I'm baffling over. As much as I lack any true human contact, why is it that I cringe when meeting new people or am uncomfortable just being around those who can be called my 'friends'? Loneliness is a disease I have caught and despise; give my all to force it out. Yet I embrace it to the fullest. And enjoy it. I don't even have a clear view of who I am anymore or what I want. My life has become a jumbled mess of pieces just waiting to be put together in the proper order. Yet with each hopeful moment they'll snap into place, it shatters and more appear. There's no box to look at to give me a clue. All I have to work with is experience. Trial and error. Discovery.

Once when I was really young, I had this bizarre notion that I was an alien from another planet, adopted by Earthling parents. I'm not sure why I thought that for being just a kid. But I went on to write a story about how it happened. I was sent off in a pod from my home world, ala Superman, by my true mother and father. Somehow the pod made it's way to Earth and (of all places now that I think about it) Tucson, Arizona. I'm not sure how the rest went. When I told my mom this story late one night, in my imagination, it was all real. It made so much sense to me and I understood why I felt so different. Halfway through reading it aloud, I walked back to my bed saying, "I need some time alone," as tears filled my eyes. I cried hard that night. Probably one of the few times I ever broke down. Looking back on it I always thought believing I was an extraterrestrial was a silly idea that a sissy boy would make up just to make himself feel special. Today though, right now as I write this, I'm beginning to reconsider that story, it's validity and what it means to me. It seems I've never truly fit in wherever I go. Am I really as alien as I think I am?

Calling all occupants of interplanetary craft, can you hear me?

Over and out.