A Word To The Dodos

Learn to differentiate between an act that is sexual in nature and that which is meant to be passionate.

Still Alive

Oh yes, yes I am. Amazingly.

Question of the Day #5

Why is it that music videos blow nowadays? There's no story, no message, nada. It's unfortunate. Just people standing around partying, objectifying, stereotyping and being stupid. Dumb.

Could this end up being a monologue?

Sometimes when I have classes on Mondays or Wednesdays, I park on the north side of Pima so that I don't have to walk that far. Up on the hill near the buildings, there is a fenced off playground where the students can drop off their kids for daycare. There's another room set aside in the actual building where they take care of the kids. But anyways the playground is the usual set up: slide, jungle gym, things you can spin and the little balls rattle around inside, a small garden filled with petunias. I'll be walking up the hill, which sadly can tire me out, but that's before having to climb three flights of stairs. I need any exercise I can get. And on rare occasions catch the children outside have the time of their lives. It's funny when you really look at them and wonder, to them, how life is just one big play-place. The boys have their little posse already established and the girls are playing a game with one of the adults; something like making funny sounds like toothpaste coming out of a tube, that BLOOP/PLOP noise. No one is hating on the other, no one is having fights and none of them have a care in the world.

Then it hits you in the back of your mind, how short childhood actually is. That innocence just dies off once you hit puberty and then everything goes to hell. I try to imagine what each child will be like in 10 years. Will that blonde girl be prom queen? What job will that boy have? Will these kids still be friends? Or maybe ask even more reality-based questions. Will he get a girl pregnant? Will those girls soon be selling themselves for a quick buck? How many will fall through the grates into the shadows and pitfalls of society? Okay, maybe it's a tad grim. But seriously, look at everyone now. We never expected to be where we are at this exact moment in time. Whose to say these kids won't fall to gang violence or be murdered by a vengeful lover?

I walk on. Thinking to myself these unpleasant thoughts. But I can't help it. I just see the world for what it is. And how as soon as it gives the gift of youth and innocence, it can just as quickly snatch it away. Leaving us with empty souls and cruel motives.

"Forever young", Alphaville sings. I beg to differ.

Aaaaaaaaat Laaaaasst

I did it. I finally did it. I completed the National Pokedex, just days before Black & White are released. I'm not as ecstatic as I thought I would be but it is still a great accomplishment. And I did it LEGITIMATELY! So I'm pretty proud of myself.

And now I've got to start all over again. Poop.

Kaput

I'm done. This paper is a piece of crap. I know it is. I only worked on it for a few hours. But I could care less. The works cited isn't indented. Whatever. I'm sure the references are exactly what I wasn't supposed to get. Too bad. The Presocratics have wore me out. No energy. Dead. Headache. Butt numb. Screw you honors teacher. Just be glad I'm in your stupid ass class. Night.

Shifting between Consciousness

Off to Vegas tomorrow for a couple of days. Not for vacation like you might think. But for what else, volleyball. I'll keep you posted.

Get to it Hot Stuff!

I was looking into some movie news today, you know just browsing. And I see this article that says "Wanna Be in Josh Whedon's Avengers?" advertising a casting call. First thing in my mind is "I'm not big comic book fan but hell sign me up!" But then I keep reading. And it says that it's to be held in Santa Fe, NM. Plus, it's this coming Wednesday. Way to live in the boonies.

That's the crap end of the deal when living in Tucson. Shit never happens. Of course we get a big celebrity concert or a hit Broadway musical or a hip, new clothing store or something exciting along those lines, every now and then. But it's too sporadic! The whole "small town" thing sort of works for me some days. While on others, it blows. The wild dreams that I have of achieving stardom of some degree are no means in my grasp so long as I continue to thrive (on what little I have left) in this dead end of a city. As they say, Tucson is the "place where dreams go to die." Boy, what a downer, eh?

Something I never noticed. When on the I-10 heading towards 1-19, there's a sign above the road that says 'City of South Tucson'. South Tucson is a city?! Why was I never informed? So confusing.

Anyways, it's not all bad. I haven't been in an active theatre production in a year at least. I'd like to do more. They were auditions for Anything Goes at Pima. But I chickened out and decided not to try out. Sort of the same way that I dropped my Musical Theatre class after one day. That teacher/"Broadyway star" gave me all the wrong vibes. And when those vibes talk, I listen. Maybe I wasn't ready or maybe I was really intimidated. I could always attempt it again. Possibly. Don't know. Hmph. There are a few theatre companies here. Live Theatre Workshop, for example. Moseley has done a couple shows that I went to watch and they've all been great. Plus the other Ecetera ones were cool, although too strange for the rest of my family. I liked them. So I guess I could go audition. Whenever they may be.

Theatre has always been on the top of my list as my college major. However, now it's conflicting with the possibility of a major in psychology. Animation kind of got thrown out, although I still enjoy to draw. But theatre still teases me. It's one of the several voices that echo through my noggin.

Don't worry Jan I feel you. No one listens to me either. I can understand why you despise Marcia.

But if I do pursue the stage, I don't really think education is all that important. Maybe not from a college professor at least. Acting classes totally. But to me, acting is more about experience. The only way to get better is to act, perform and learn from those experiences. But I guess I haven't really done enough to say so. Oh well.

It's getting late (or early?) so I'm out. I can't even type, my hands are shaking so much.

So as they say in the entertainment world, 'Seacrest out'.

Bangles

Me, Myself and Pie

I always find myself tasting some weird taste in my mouth. Sometimes it's metallic. Others it's blood. And sometimes it's whatever I happen to smell or see. Like I see a picture of an ugly person and then I smell a foul odor from out of no where. Strange things are happen' to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today was a photo finish. I woke up at 9:40, the time at which my PSY class starts. But it wasn't just any regular "I'll walk in late, it's cool." The first exam was today. And if I wasn't there by 10:10 I had to take the exam at the end of this semester. Major screwage. Miraculously, I managed to hop out of bed, throw on some used pants, make it out the door and book it all the way to the West campus in about 20 minutes. Bummer that I still arrived late. But boy did I luck the hell out. Mrs. (Ms.?) Willis let me slide this once. Also turned in my half-butt mind map, which I still have no clue how it is actually supposed to work. Whatever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't consider myself an Apple fanboy. I'm not going to stand outside for some day and a half for a new phone or tampon (iPad. Get it? No??? Damn.) The ironic thing is that I own a Mac, an iPod Touch, which by some miracle is still functioning, and now an iPhone. That's right peeps. For my b-day I gots me an iPhone. I've got Verizon so the things came out today. Woohoo! Now I can do things without WiFi. And be cool like everyone else.

But despite that...

I feel overcome with extreme guilt. I mean, don't get me wrong I've wanted a smart phone for a while. And I appreciate the things I get. It's just that, I feel bad. Thinking about it I am kind of spoiled. My parents are supporting me full time right now, I'm unemployed, and I get some pretty expensive crap every once in a blue moon. Ever since I became a teenager I've come to appreciate things greater. It's strange really. I haven't begged for shit unless I REALLY REALLY want it. Like, I've come to rationalize and make somewhat better decisions. I try not to spend money when I don't need to. And I feel bad whenever I get something on the pricey side. I've already sworn that when I become a big time actor and have lots of dough to spare, I want to pay back my family for what they've given me. Let's hope that turns out well.

So I've got a new gadget. And everyone's bugging me to plan a dinner or party or get together or something. Hell, I don't need a celebration. It doesn't bother me. I don't tell people when my birthday is. Then they find out and say "oh you should have told us!" What would you do? Give me a balloon? I'd rather just be anonymous. Better to just choose somewhere and get it over with.

Night you people I'm sure aren't even reading this.

Whoh what a coninkidink

Funny. Looking at the title of the last post I could have gone all Lady Antebellum and said:

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.

Strange things happen in life, don't cha know.

1:14 AM

Every time I decide to sit on the computer, I have to pee. There must be some sort of mechanism in my brain that says "Hey, time to wizz. Go now!" I am just chalk full of mysteries and strange occurrences.

Now that that little fact is out of the way, my day was meh.

I slept 'til noon so that's good, I guess. My sleep patterns are as all 'over the place' as Charlie Sheen's drug problems.

...

...

See? I can't really be funny. I can sit here in thought and attempt to crack a joke using some entertainment reference but it never works out. My sister says I'm a mood killer. Tis true. If I do make people laugh, it's because I'm a clutz. Not just any clutz. But THE clutz. Tonight I lost my phone but luckily someone found it and returned it to me through a mess of phone calls and texts. Lame. The Dare sucks major. It seemed cool at first but now, it's just a nuisance. Touch screen stinks, I can't type on it, it'll call and beep in my pocket. I'd love an iPhone or Droid but that'll never happen. So I have to live with what I got.

I kicked Russian butt at volleyball. As much as I hated playing it in high school, for some reason Sportspark has always been fun. Probably because it's just screwing around and not so strict on rules. Though the 'three guys thing' sucks. But really we played a team of Russians who I guess played on a professional team. We lost. Despite being called the 'Underdogs', we're not too shabby. For a bunch of college kids and a mom. Still, we had to play with four so it wasn't much of a fight. But we still did awesome. So there's that.

Tomorrow, has me up in Phoenix to watch (what else) volleyball. Yippie. Not. I need to get to a Toys R' Us so I can get my Pikachu, because I'm that much of a nerd. I need to read for my classes and start on a rough draft. Continue practicing my guitar, which is getting a bit better by the way. So as things stand, life is aight. Still boring and lonely as ever. But okay by normal standards.

I turn 19 in a week. But I really could care less.

When You Can't Sleep

"Early to bed, early to rise"

Ha. Like that's going to happen anytime soon.

"The early bird gets the worm."

I'm not a damn bird. And worms are weird.

"If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters."

Too true.

"I'd like mornings better if they started later."

This.

"I wake up every morning at nine and grab the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up." - Benjamin Franklin

Question of the Day #4

Is it possible to love someone you have never actually met? Or fall in love at first sight?

Or are these just silly fantasies?

"Their infants quarter'd with the hands of war"

It's Tough To Be Human

Huzzah for the weekend. Although I'm sure I won't be doing anything worth celebrating about. Except maybe pick up dog poo because my dad is blackmailing me (sort of) for reasons I cannot say.

As I get into the swing of spring classes at dear old Pima, I am starting to ask myself more frequently, "Self, why are you choosing to live this way? Out of shape, lonely, secluded, bored. Aren't you going to make a move soon before you waste your life on what little you have done? Please, do something. Soon. Like now. NOW!"

Perhaps being too analytical of one's life has it's repercussions. I can jot down at least 50 things I find wrong with me and that I would love to right. I question the world way too much I think. Maybe that's why psychology or philosophy seem to be appropriate careers for me. Still, the theatre calls my name. Or rather sings it with vibrato as the note rises higher and higher and higher until the fatal crack. The glass has shattered. I'm cut. Ouch.

Every teacher I have this semester is, shall I say, quite dull. My writing teacher looks like a 70-year-old Cher. Or maybe her now without all the surgery. But bless her she is sweeter than gumdrops. Yeah I said that. So what?

The honors instructor is, I swear to Bob, an alien. Maybe not so much now as I did the first day. But damn he's weird. He like degrades the human race for being whiny babies and not creating anything new since the days of Socrates and Aristotle. However, I'm gonna stick wit it and make the best of the class. Even though it really is just a philosophy class in disguise.

Psych teacher is probably the coolest. The quiz we had today tested us on research methods and independent variables and control groups. Here's the catch. She used a Dr. Morningwood as an example. And the quiz was on erection drugs. Okay, so maybe it is a little perverted. I have to admit though she is pretty laid back. Deals the information, but with humor and charm. Don't get many instructor/teachers like that.

Lastly, we have the guitar class. I want to learn so that I can possibly play music when I feel like singing. But, I'm really stinking at it at the present time. Still a whole semester ahead so I have room for improvement. Ben seems like a cool guy. Looks like he's in his late 20's so I really don't know why he works at Pima. He's doing it for the kids. Maybe. I can't play that flipping fret note. Fluff.

Anyways, I have no clue what I'm going to do for my future. It is bleak and grim. Should I follow what I truly enjoy doing or go with what I find the most interesting? Oh crossroads of life, how you provide such difficult choices. Adieu.

Question of the Day #3

Why does porn spam continue to fill up my email's junk folder?

Really I don't get it.

See Ya Real Soon!

I was going to post something tonight, but I can't focus to save my life. I typed a whole rant out. In the end, it was scrapped.

Tired. Sleep. Hot. Cold. All over the place.

Oh well, maybe tomorrow.

Damn you Inception!

Sorry, I try to make this thing a priority. But then I end up forgetting completely about it or just don't care some days. Perhaps I have nothing really to say. Who knows. I don't. Get used to it.

Last night I dreamt that I got shot. Not once. Or twice. But like 1,006 times. According to the weird counter that appeared in the dream. The first part involved some weird long black haired guy in a grocery store. I saw him and knew this guy was trouble. As I walked down the toilet paper isle he walked along the next row of Contonelle (or Charmin). He then proceeded to push down a stack of paper and immediately I fell to the ground and screamed. Even before he pulled out a gun. After that, things are somewhat of a blur. I think some cops nabbed him or something. Then I ended up at some resort or the like and sat alongside a curved street in chairs with my grandma, aunt and two others who I can't recall. All of the sudden, a white car pulls up with three people in it; two guys and a girl. They turn and give off creepy smiles at us. The girl then pulls out a white gun and takes out everyone there but me. I try to run but get a bullet through my stomach. Strangest thing about this dream was that it felt very real. More so than my normal dreams. I attempt to crawl away, but the girl shoots me like six more times. I try playing dead. However, my feeble attempts at hiding my short breaths proves worthless. After going after more victims, she comes back and shoots me like 40 more times. Then she just goes on and on and on. This is when that counter comes up reading 1,006. Reminds me of those hit counters you see in a video game. Bonus points for her!

Anyways, I feel like I'm dying there and everything is fading out. Yet I still continue to live. Eventually they disappear or get arrested and I'm seriously wounded. With everyone freaking out, I limp to a hospital while everyone looks at me in shock and despair. Despite this situation being so morbid, in the dream it makes me feel important. Like I mean something. Odd.

Those are the two bigs things that I can remember dreaming about. There was more. But my brain isn't hacking up it's secrets.

Like I said earlier, this dream felt strangely real. I felt the pain of a gunshot wound, I saw the blood, it was difficult to breath. All the emotions were heightened. But I'll get into my other weird, random, and crazy scrambled dreams another day. I have more dumb college classes to attend to tomorrow.

"...ecstatic" - Jafar

Boom goes my life

So *imaginarily pinches bridge of nose* this past week has been really trying my patience. Not only has it been stressful and busy. Because it has. But things are really starting to fall into the shitter. Let me brake it down for you all.

Last Wednesday, I woke up at the dark of dawn to take my sister to school because lawd knows my momma sleeps in 'til 11 and doesn't budge except to scream her usual, and annoying, "Get up!!!" I throw on a sweater and floppy sweatpants and start the car up. All the windows are frozen. So time to defrost. The whole way to Cholla I notice that the back window is still covered in ice, despite the rest being clear. I ignore it. I get back home and it's the same. Finally, I take a look at it and what the crap. The whole back windshield is shattered. Bitch. Now it's tough to determine what exactly caused this. I got rear-ended last year and it is possible that the window suffered a microscopic crack and the cold dealt the knockout. However, I have my doubts. There seemed to be a focal point where most of the class cracked. Hoodlums? I'd love to blame some. This neighborhood is getting pretty weird. So. Yeah.

If you were under your rocks yesterday, you may notta heard about that shooting that went down at Safeway. Normally I don't really care about these things. I mean I think well that's unfortunate and sad. But I think it's because it was like an assassination attempt and it was a political figure and that it was so close to home, plus that now the entire planet has got their feelers pointing in our direction. This one actually shook me a bit. This looks like something that is really going to shake up everyone and change things. History, people. Just lived it.

Lastly, after the already insane day, I come home to a letter from PCC. Believing it's my check for the extra money I need to spend on stupid books, I feel great. Yet, that high is shortly destroyed. Here's the thing. I got two scholarships for Pima. One was a scholars one that would pay my entire tuition for two years. The second was one from Cholla that gave me 500 smackers each semester. So I was set for a while. But as always, I jinx it. The letter was not a check. Nor was it any sort of good news. In a blurb, it said "We are sorry to inform you that your GPA has fallen below the 3.00 that is required for this scholarship. You will not be able to continue with this scholarship. You lost this scholarship. 'Kay love you bye bye."

Sooooo. Yes. The worst has come true. We're supposed to go try and talk to some big wigs tomorrow and see if it's possible to get things sorted out. I probably screwed up because of that animation class, in which I got an "incomplete" because I didn't turn in the final. I'm supposed to this week actually so it's possible they will spare my life. I could blame it on that girl who postponed the return of my squirrel film because her dumb ass had to animate last minute. I could blame the teacher for not informing me of drawing earlier then the month we were to animate. Ultimately, it's probably my fault. I messed up and snoozed a bit.

Unless I get the scholarship back, I have two choices:

1. Drop the honors class that the scholarship required and use the Cholla money to pay for the tuition. Although I now have to buy books out of my own pocket.

2. Drop out of Pima for a while, get a job, get my ducks in a row, and attempt to continue at a later date.

Honestly I'd rather the latter but I know that wouldn't fly with my "bosses". I expected this year to go off with a bang. Poop was I right.

I need to get laid. Bad.

Someday...

when we are wiser.

perhaps a lunatic was simply a minority of one

Ma I Ereh

1. TOMORROW AND THE SUN - Adam Pascal

2. WEST COAST - Coconut Records

3. THIS IS MY LIFE - Shirley Bassey

4. HAUNTED - Poe

5. AS THE WORLD FALLS DOWN - David Bowie

6. THE WANDERER - Romanthony

7. DEVIL INSIDE - Utada Hikaru

8. DREAMWORLD - Rilo Kiley

9. TRY - Asher Book

10. CRAZY FOR YOU - Let Loose

11. ALL IS FULL OF LOVE - Bjork

12. WICKED LITTLE TOWN (REPRISE) - John Cameron Mitchell

13. IN THE DARKNESS - Mackenzie Phillips

14. LE FESTIN - Camille

15. PURE IMAGINATION - Gene Wilder

16. LOVE DON'T LOVE NOBODY - The Spinners

17. SMACK INTO YOU - Jon McLaughlin

Wraps, Trips, and the uncertainty that lies ahead

Well happy new year all. Yes, the day after we celebrate another cycle of 365 moons and sit to watch a giant ball descend from the sky to ring it in. Seriously, I've never questioned why we commemorate the occasion like that. Weird. But yup yup that's the way it goes. Alas, I've started 2011 out with a bang. Literally. After sitting through Cheech & Chong's Next Movie which although funny, wasn't really a movie. More of a series of small humorous skits. But hey. Still cool, man. Anyways, I'm deciding to head upstairs to get on the computer and incidentally write this entry, when I step over on of the several gates we use to barricade our dogs out of the family room. Reciting Madea's famous "Heller", my foot catches on the top of the gate. Jamming my toe, I slowly fall to the floor in humiliation. Thankfully, it wasn't a rug to face fall. I was able to sort of lunge to help my epic fail. My sister laughs like the mad man she is. I lay stunned and cringing at the pain in my big toe (nail crushed and filling up with some blood) while I think, "This is the unfortunate things that happen to me for being such a good person. God, if you're "really" there and listening. You had your laugh. Go back to being worshiped by crazies and obsessive freaks. Spare me"

If this is hint of things to come this year, then I'm in for one hell of a time.

On a more positive note, I actually ate at a 4th avenue restaurant with the girls. From this point on I will refer to my sister and mom as "the girls". One, because I don't want to write their individual titles down. Two, most of the time it's them I'm with so. Deal. It was a place called "World-Wide Wrappers", which is across the street from Dairy Queen. We've passed it a few times and wanted to try it. But parking sucks and places want your money so it never happened. I expected this place to be hopping and hip with all kinds of young people enjoying themselves a healthy snack. What I got was an abandoned establishment with one (I want to say Jewish?) guy working the counter. What. The whole time it was awkward eating there with me and the girls being the only customers. And the owner(?) sitting back there reading his paper. Still, wraps were pretty good and we had some smoothies which we some of the best I've ever had. Piña colada was the great. Afterwards we walked to the Chocolate Iguana and I treated myself to a carrot cupcake. Maybe I'll go on a diet this year. Don't quote me on that.

Tomorrow is the big family gathering. Lovely. It shouldn't be too bad. In closing, let's hope 2011 turn's out to be my big year. By that I mean get a job, possibly start a relationship, try to start acting again, get healthy and take more risks. Is that a resolution? I'm sure part of that I'll bomb in the first month. Meh, it works. I guess.